proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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