Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
They left me at home... I'm a liability
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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