Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
