I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
