I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
