If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
