Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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