I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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