If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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