I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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