My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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