Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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