I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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