I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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