I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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