I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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