I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
