What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We left the knife in your bed.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
