theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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