I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
