I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
