I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
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