My liver just broke up with me...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
