I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
