Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize