i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
