I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize