I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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