I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
