Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize