oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
