I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
