you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
