i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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