Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
