at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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