so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm always down for nudity.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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