Please, let me fuck your mom
I need to stop coming to work sober
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize