Your dad touched me again.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Pants are for mortals
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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