She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize