Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
