We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
