it's too hot outside to masturbate.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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