Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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