I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
