What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
