you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
