I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
