her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You ate ashes out of my bong
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
