know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
