He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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