Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
