Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
