So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
