dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
