just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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