today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
