just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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