The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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