i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
