i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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