I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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