There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
