Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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